[and cloud throws sephiroth an odd look in return. he isn't quite as helpful or as gentle about the things that he says, except when it comes to "wanting to help cloud understand." it was strange at first, when sephiroth would hover over him, wing spread, asking him all sorts of existential questions. now? it's still strange, but there's an edge of resignation, almost like he's got to build up the patience and wait for the answer he desires.]
[cloud pulls himself away from the couch, and sephiroth, and straightens his back, going around it and over to the tv—where he switches it off with the button at the top edge of the screen. his hand lingers there, as does his gaze, before he drags it over to the wall in front of him—where bookshelves are stacked, books he hasn't really bothered to read but seemed a wise purchase at the time, years ago.]
I do have a recurring dream.
It's... [explaining dreams is so stupid. he hates when other people do it. and yet here he is, doing the same.] It's really saturated. Very green? [he turns to look at sephiroth] The color is like that of your eyes. [that eerie aquamarine glow] It's like liquid, but not? I just float in it.
[he frowns]
Do you mean those kinds of dreams?
[it's as stupid as the one about the lizard, far as he's concerned.]
[Sephiroth would be more annoyed at the TV being shut off if not for having Cloud's full focus and attention. His eyes were locked onto the blonde, watching him as he moved and spoke.
The corner of his lips curl into a small smile at the description. Ah, now that is interesting. That gives him something to work with.
And as far as Sephiroth is concerned, it is not stupid at all. Oh no, it is far very important.]
You dream of the lifestream.
[Instead of being fully cryptic about it, he'll actually explain ... a little.]
The force which connects all life on the planet. Those born come from it and those who die return.
['lifestream' is such an archaic term, but he supposed that if someone is allowed to be archaic—it would be sephiroth. the man claims to have existed for a long time, and knows things from the past in a way cloud doesn't want to think too much about.]
[but he shrugs, and turns to face sephiroth, arms crossed.]
But, alright. Let's say that is the lifestream and not me getting lost in your eyes, or something. [how nice. he's immediately aware that was a terrible joke, so just shrugs as if to say 'just ignore it.'] What would that mean? That I'm remembering a past life? Yeah right.
[Wow Cloud that is a bad joke. So much so that Sephiroth quirks a brow, though he does not feel the need to comment on it. Good to know you that you enjoy them though, he'll have to stare at you more.
Anyway.
Sephiroth stands up to approach Cloud though they were not that far of a distance to begin with. Resisting the urge to sigh at the blonde's lack of understanding, he'll just have to keep pushing. If Cloud is having dreams, he might fully remember one day.
So they might as well start down that path before it comes out in a terrible way.]
Why not? What is wrong with having lived a life before? How is it any more impossible than I, myself, standing before you?
[A small pause as though he's considering if his next words are going to be a good idea or if it's too soon ...]
If we knew each other in the past, would that make a difference?
[cloud's shoulders straighten as sephiroth approaches, but his arms are still crossed, looking up at the man.]
A difference? I dunno. It'd make for a crazy coincidence.
[he does have a point, though. reincarnation is as possible as cloud casually uttering some incantation and summoning an angel from the abyss of who-knows-where. magic is prevalent in this world, even if it's in many ways mechanical—magitek—or otherwise attempted to be created through science than to really have it bloom for a natural resource.]
[Sephiroth reaches out to place a hand on Cloud's shoulder.]
I'm saying it's possible and for you to ... accept that possibility.
[There's a brief pause, his eyes momentarily glancing to the side before returning to meet the blue of Cloud's.]
And not let any memories of the past cloud [ha] your view of today.
[If Cloud regains all his memories of the past it will change their dynamic. While there is a part that actually wants him to remember who he used to be, Sephiroth has also grown a little ... comfortable in this new life.]
[he frowns. it worries him, when sephiroth gets serious like that and alludes to the possibility of him not liking what he would come to know if he remembered his "past life" or whatever the other wants to call it. the hand on his shoulder doesn't really ground him much at all, and it just... scares him a little.]
Why can't I just not know about it?
[cloud puts a hand to sephiroth's chest, and lets his fingers curl against the fabric of his shirt, stepping forward to close the distance between them a little more.]
I like this. Weird as it is. You're talking like everything would change if I do remember.
Because it would and I have been avoiding the possibility until now.
[And that is the closest he's come to admitting that he's enjoyed this life as absurd as it sounds. For as long as he's lived and as far as he's come ...
Cloud is the only one he ever really considered a true equal and it is probably for that same reason that he found himself pulled into a sort of kinship with him. Of course the Cloud of old would no doubt protest the idea.
And after everything Sephiroth has done to him ... Would he really blame his feelings?
He stepped back towards the couch, but not before taking Cloud by the arm and dragging him there as well. If this conversation continues, they'll both need to sit down.]
[cloud refuses to take a seat, even if sephiroth is basically guiding him to sit down on the couch. he lets go of the other's shirt but remains otherwise firm on standing, his thoughts racing. because it would—change, that is. and sephiroth has been avoiding that truth all this while? at the possibilities that there's something off about who they are, together? it's not an ideal 'faux' relationship, and it was the easiest way to fix a bigger problem that he couldn't quite understand, for sephiroth didn't seem capable of leaving this plane of existence. or whatever.]
[his expression is stern, eyes clouded with emotion. he feels his heart in his throat. he unclasps his arm from the other and looks at him.]
[For the briefest of moments, Sephiroth's gaze slips away from Cloud, dropping down low to the floor. A small moment needed to gather his thoughts and perhaps sort out his own feelings ... ones he mostly denies he even carries the capacity to feel.]
This life now ... It is --
[He knows he can't avoid it forever, but why does it have to be so damn hard to find the words for now? He shakes his head to clear his thoughts.]
You will hate me. In another life, we hated each other.
[But things were different now. Even for Sephiroth they were different.]
[cloud tilts his head, his hard expression easing up a little.]
We hated each other? Yeah, I can sort of see that. You're kind of an entitled bitch.
[but that's just their usual humor seeping through, and while he speaks casually his actions take on a more guarded approach; his arms crossed, shoulders hunched over a little. if it's true that they hated each other... what does that say, about them, right now?]
[thus the quieter more sensible response to what sephiroth said:]
[Why is this so hard? Why couldn't he just lock away any sort of emotion and act like the compact ball of hate he used to be? Had all the time spent in the lifestream, had all the clashes again and again brought him to this point?
No. It was Cloud. Somehow it was always Cloud.
He shakes his head, figuring he should clarify before the blonde takes that in the wrong way.]
-- Not for a long time. You became the only reason I could manifest in the world.
[huh. if only he could keep himself from looking so relieved, having believed for a moment there that sephiroth hated his entire existence. the tension in cloud's shoulders ease, and he finally allows himself to sit down on the couch.]
I did summon you to try and cheat my university exam.
[funny how it had been just a goof, something that was very obviously a joke, and yet—there was sephiroth, scaring the living daylights out of him, a few years ago. pressing knuckles to his temple and leaning into the couch, cloud keeps a careful look on the other man.]
So you only not-hate me because otherwise you wouldn't exist. Is that it? I hope it's more than that. I'm going to feel like a real tool considering all we've done together.
[Why were normal discussions with normal feelings so difficult? Is it because he's not fully human or because he's lived far too long?]
No. I'm not talking about that. Before in your other life --
[Though Cloud did summon him that was true. Sephiroth had fallen into almost a limbo state before unwittingly being called to and that was something he had not expected.]
You killed me. But since that moment we have always had a connection ... and even later on, I was always able to return as long you still remembered who I was. My ... hate had shifted to revolve solely around you. The only person who could ever defeat me.
[He shifted on the couch to move forward, grabbing a hold of Cloud and pulling him closer so that they were more face to face.]
I hated the world so much. Wanted to destroy everything. But there is no point anymore to all of that hate. I am glad to have found you again. And if you remember everything and choose to hate me, then I will accept that fate.
[cloud cocks an eyebrow in response. him, killing sephiroth? it sounds like a tall tale. while sephiroth has taken on a more... human-like form and all that, cloud can tell there is a force to him, a strength, that pushes past just someone who 'is buff' or 'lifts everyday.' he would know. he does do those things almost on the daily, and he still can't beat sephiroth in arm wrestling.]
[but it's hard to consider everything that was and is, when sephiroth speaks so strongly about hate, how that is what pushed him forward and made him gravitate towards cloud like it was the only thing keeping him anchored.]
[it's not something he can understand right now, it feels like. i hated the world so much. i wanted to destroy everything. words that speak volumes to cloud, who moves along with however the man wishes him to move, drawn closer. i am glad— and then an almost defeated i will accept that fate.]
[cloud sits up straighter and raises a hand to press his palm against sephiroth's cheek—soft and gentle, keeping the man's gaze with his own. it takes him no effort at all to lean forward, close his eyes, and press a kiss to the other's lips. when cloud does pull back, he looks resolute.]
If I remember everything and choose to hate you, [he thumbs easily over sephiroth's jawline] we'll deal with it when that happens.
[people can change. people can get better. divine, monsters, or otherwise.]
[Sephiroth did not know what he expected to be the outcome of his confession. The truth he kept hidden from Cloud all these years. His former nemesis lived a happy, relatively normal life. None of the bitter tragedy from before.
At first Sephiroth thought to leave well enough alone, but he knew what happened when the truth was kept from him like that. If Cloud remembered on his own the results could have been much worse. It was probably for those reasons that he broached the subject at all.
If it was to come out, it'd be on Sephiroth's terms.
But he still did not know what to expect. Cloud reaching in, the gentle touch, the kiss made the silver haired man's eyes close slightly. Pulling the younger man in even closer, he dips his head down until their foreheads were lightly touching.]
Your other life was filled with pain and loss. Should your dreams do cross into that time, it will will be dark and unpleasant. If you have questions now, I will answer. You deserve to know everything.
I don't really know what questions I should be having. If my dreams start getting like that... I'll ask you then.
[their foreheads pressed together, cloud is getting cross-eyed from having to keep eye contact. he thinks his action of choice is to puts his hands on either side of sephiroth's head and kiss him again. fingers tangle against the soft, silky hair. partly, cloud wants sephiroth to stop putting forward all this exposition that he doesn't know what to do with.]
[secondly, cloud wants to make it clear that he appreciates that sephiroth is trying.]
[when he pulls back, his hands remain in place; he curls his lips to the side and he tilts his head.]
I want to know how you feel about me now. One hundred percent, no bullshit. You used to hate me, but now you don't anymore. What does that mean? Do you want to see me suffer, or do you want to keep me from that as best as you can?
[Cutting him off with another kiss is certainly one way to side track the conversation and get Sephiroth to stop talking. Probably the best way actually. A small hint of disappointment lingers when Cloud pulls away.
Which is probably for the best. This is a serious conversation. One Sephiroth isn't sure he's fully prepared for.
Answering questions about the past would be so much easier than what Cloud is asking. Feelings -- He hadn't thought about how he personally felt about anything in a long time. And Cloud --
Cloud is complicated. No, not him as a person. Just everything else surrounding him. The two of them together really.]
Are you suffering now?
[He said fully side-stepping the question, but then remembering Cloud also directly asked for an answer 'no bullshit' allowed. With a sigh, he looks away for a moment.]
I do not want to see you suffer. I want ... you to have the happiness you were denied in the past. But I will never not be drawn to you, and tragedy is what surrounds me. Whatever moments first brought about our connection, I do know for certain that ... You are and will always be my other half.
[cloud shakes his head no at the question of whether he's suffering now or not. sometimes he keeps a shitty sleep schedule, and all the walking around the building he's a security officer for fucks up his feet, but he's not suffering. he feels content, for the most part.]
[so he listens to what else sephiroth has to say.]
[...and he looks surprised.]
—imagine if you had said that when we got the marriage license at city hall. I bet the process would have been so much easier.
[but cloud cannot deny, for all that he teases the other, the flip his stomach made at that; you are and will always be my other half. it sounds so stupid poetic, romantic in a way that cloud hadn't expected sephiroth to be able to put together. he draws his hands back onto himself, but he doesn't move from how close he sits to the other; instead, cloud nudges himself so that he's pressed closed to the man, head against his chest, an arm wrapped around his middle.]
For all the grief you give me, I am happy here, right now. So, don't sweat it.
[he's acting tough]
Maybe... uh, just say and show what you want? [in terms of care and appreciation and all that] It makes me happy when you do.
[Meanwhile, Sephiroth slips a hand behind Cloud's back and pulls him in more, practically onto his lap or as close as he can get. There is a small laugh that escapes at the mention of the marriage license.
Thinking back to that time, it sounded so absurd in the moment. Of course it was Cloud's idea. The easiest way to explain him being around. Though Sephiroth was so lost and confused he had no choice but to go along.
Now everything is much more clear. Clearer than ever before. Sometimes he even found himself letting his guard slip around Cloud, letting him in more and more. Like now ... though it is still hard, he is at least trying.]
I'm not sure what I want most of the time. But I will try.
[The fact that he actually admitted not knowing something is pretty big in itself.]
For you. If that brings you happiness then how can I say no?
[cloud tilts his head upwards and smiles. in the same motion, he pats at sephiroth's tummy—cheeky, really.]
That's the spirit, big guy.
[he really does appreciate the effort that sephiroth is trying to put into this. and while their conversation might have been weird and a little twisted at parts—and there's definitely that whole 'we hated each other in your past life' to think about—he's glad they had it. he feels a little warmer, a little more comforted, a little closer to sephiroth. the arm around him and the hand settled on his back helps drive that feeling home.]
[needless to say, he grabs at the remote controller and turns on the tv again. they'll watch netflix, curled up like this, and to be honest? cloud doesn't care that sephiroth has already watched whatever he chooses to press play to.]
[things remain just about the same in their routine, though there's something lighter about it. it's cloud's day off from work, but unfortunately that means he still has to run errands. groceries, today, and dropping by the pharmacy. his allergies have been kicking up lately. he pushes hands into the sleeves of his black denim jacket and rubs at his nose—as if that would make the sniffles go away—before waiting for a few more seconds by the front door.]
[...he checks his phone, pockets it. twirls the keys on his finger and takes them for a few spins. he readjusts the straps of the bag on his shoulder... and leans back just a bit to look down the hallway to see where the hell sephiroth is.]
Yo, Seph?
[sighing, he walks down it and back to the bedroom, looking at the man standing by the mirror.]
...you're not going to go shirtless to the store. [why does he always do this? why does cloud ask him to get dressed to go out and he puts on his leather pants, boots, and nothing more?] We'll end up with a bunch of grannies hitting on you.
[into the closet he goes, pulling out a comfortable dress shirt. plain, black. he offers it to sephiroth.]
[Well, why does Cloud always question his fashion choices? He gives the shirt a look, then over at Cloud and back at the shirt. With what can be best described as an over-dramatic sigh, he takes it.]
You almost sound jealous.
[Pulling the shirt down, he gives the blonde another glance as though to say 'satisfied now?'
He mostly does this because going to the store is probably his least favorite thing to do. But Cloud keeps dragging him along for whatever reason. He'll go because it makes the younger man happy.
Turning he gestures towards the door before heading there. They might as well go and get this over with.]
I don't want to have to fight off your old lady fanclub.
[he sighs, knowing that sephiroth just likes to make a point of things that don't need to be made a point of. but at least he's putting on the shirt and dressing up like a normal member of society. before they leave—and yes, despite sephiroth's impatient gesturing towards the door—cloud grabs a few hair ties from the dresser and catches up with the other. out of the apartment they go, and it's when they're waiting for the elevator that cloud takes a moment to fix the collar on sephiroth's shirt.]
Seriously.
[the door is closed and locked as they step into the elevator, and proceed to descend to the lobby. sephiroth likes to stand in the middle (it's the imposing aura), and so cloud steps behind him and starts gathering his long hair to tie it up into a loose ponytail.]
I don't know why you hate going shopping, when we have to buy so much shampoo on the weekly because of your hair. And you don't even tie it up.
[it's the usual brusque response, but cloud isn't all that mad. he puts his hands on the man's waist and leans over to his side to look up at him, once he's done with tying up his hair.]
[The mention of the word fanclub Sephiroth can't help but laugh. One of these days he'll have to tell him all about the one he had in the past. Most of those memories he kept locked away, hidden from even himself. He almost thought he lost them after all those years. Like they faded away when he was purely keeping himself anchored with hate. But somehow even those small moments hadn't fully degraded --
And being around Cloud now, he found himself remembering more and more of the simple times before everything changed. He wasn't sure if it were Cloud himself or just living here without all the hate.
Glancing down at Cloud while they were in the elevator, he really resists the urge to sigh. Always a comment about his hair! His hair is fine the way it is.]
I never tied it up before. I don't know why it's so important that you insist on it.
[Except for those few times when it's not, and before Cloud can say anything, he reaches over to put his hand over the blond's mouth.]
[cloud was about to bring up the freezer incident—or the elevator doors incident, or the kid-at-the-queue incident (he has a few to choose from)—but for the hand that clamps over his mouth. the urge to burst out laughing is there, and sephiroth can most likely feel how unequivocally amused cloud is.]
[he pulls away from the hand as he steps away from the other.] Fine.
[there will be no comments about the freezer incident, but they both know that cloud is right in his assertions.]
[(laughing is good, though. sephiroth had been doing a lot more of that lately, and it filled cloud with an indistinct sense of progress, of melting away at that layer that kept the man frozen in place in one particular aspect of his life.)]
[the doors of the elevator open and cloud steps out first, sniffling as he does and going for the lobby door. he keeps it open for a moment until he's sure sephiroth can make it through, and then he's making sure to take hold of his hand as they step out into the street.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[cloud pulls himself away from the couch, and sephiroth, and straightens his back, going around it and over to the tv—where he switches it off with the button at the top edge of the screen. his hand lingers there, as does his gaze, before he drags it over to the wall in front of him—where bookshelves are stacked, books he hasn't really bothered to read but seemed a wise purchase at the time, years ago.]
I do have a recurring dream.
It's... [explaining dreams is so stupid. he hates when other people do it. and yet here he is, doing the same.] It's really saturated. Very green? [he turns to look at sephiroth] The color is like that of your eyes. [that eerie aquamarine glow] It's like liquid, but not? I just float in it.
[he frowns]
Do you mean those kinds of dreams?
[it's as stupid as the one about the lizard, far as he's concerned.]
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The corner of his lips curl into a small smile at the description. Ah, now that is interesting. That gives him something to work with.
And as far as Sephiroth is concerned, it is not stupid at all. Oh no, it is far very important.]
You dream of the lifestream.
[Instead of being fully cryptic about it, he'll actually explain ... a little.]
The force which connects all life on the planet. Those born come from it and those who die return.
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That's not what people call it anymore.
['lifestream' is such an archaic term, but he supposed that if someone is allowed to be archaic—it would be sephiroth. the man claims to have existed for a long time, and knows things from the past in a way cloud doesn't want to think too much about.]
[but he shrugs, and turns to face sephiroth, arms crossed.]
But, alright. Let's say that is the lifestream and not me getting lost in your eyes, or something. [how nice. he's immediately aware that was a terrible joke, so just shrugs as if to say 'just ignore it.'] What would that mean? That I'm remembering a past life? Yeah right.
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Anyway.
Sephiroth stands up to approach Cloud though they were not that far of a distance to begin with. Resisting the urge to sigh at the blonde's lack of understanding, he'll just have to keep pushing. If Cloud is having dreams, he might fully remember one day.
So they might as well start down that path before it comes out in a terrible way.]
Why not? What is wrong with having lived a life before? How is it any more impossible than I, myself, standing before you?
[A small pause as though he's considering if his next words are going to be a good idea or if it's too soon ...]
If we knew each other in the past, would that make a difference?
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A difference? I dunno. It'd make for a crazy coincidence.
[he does have a point, though. reincarnation is as possible as cloud casually uttering some incantation and summoning an angel from the abyss of who-knows-where. magic is prevalent in this world, even if it's in many ways mechanical—magitek—or otherwise attempted to be created through science than to really have it bloom for a natural resource.]
[but it does bring forth the question...]
You're saying we knew each other before?
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I'm saying it's possible and for you to ... accept that possibility.
[There's a brief pause, his eyes momentarily glancing to the side before returning to meet the blue of Cloud's.]
And not let any memories of the past cloud [ha] your view of today.
[If Cloud regains all his memories of the past it will change their dynamic. While there is a part that actually wants him to remember who he used to be, Sephiroth has also grown a little ... comfortable in this new life.]
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Why can't I just not know about it?
[cloud puts a hand to sephiroth's chest, and lets his fingers curl against the fabric of his shirt, stepping forward to close the distance between them a little more.]
I like this. Weird as it is. You're talking like everything would change if I do remember.
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[And that is the closest he's come to admitting that he's enjoyed this life as absurd as it sounds. For as long as he's lived and as far as he's come ...
Cloud is the only one he ever really considered a true equal and it is probably for that same reason that he found himself pulled into a sort of kinship with him. Of course the Cloud of old would no doubt protest the idea.
And after everything Sephiroth has done to him ... Would he really blame his feelings?
He stepped back towards the couch, but not before taking Cloud by the arm and dragging him there as well. If this conversation continues, they'll both need to sit down.]
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[his expression is stern, eyes clouded with emotion. he feels his heart in his throat. he unclasps his arm from the other and looks at him.]
How would it change, Sephiroth?
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This life now ... It is --
[He knows he can't avoid it forever, but why does it have to be so damn hard to find the words for now? He shakes his head to clear his thoughts.]
You will hate me. In another life, we hated each other.
[But things were different now. Even for Sephiroth they were different.]
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[cloud tilts his head, his hard expression easing up a little.]
We hated each other? Yeah, I can sort of see that. You're kind of an entitled bitch.
[but that's just their usual humor seeping through, and while he speaks casually his actions take on a more guarded approach; his arms crossed, shoulders hunched over a little. if it's true that they hated each other... what does that say, about them, right now?]
[thus the quieter more sensible response to what sephiroth said:]
...do you hate me, then?
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[Why is this so hard? Why couldn't he just lock away any sort of emotion and act like the compact ball of hate he used to be? Had all the time spent in the lifestream, had all the clashes again and again brought him to this point?
No. It was Cloud. Somehow it was always Cloud.
He shakes his head, figuring he should clarify before the blonde takes that in the wrong way.]
-- Not for a long time. You became the only reason I could manifest in the world.
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[huh. if only he could keep himself from looking so relieved, having believed for a moment there that sephiroth hated his entire existence. the tension in cloud's shoulders ease, and he finally allows himself to sit down on the couch.]
I did summon you to try and cheat my university exam.
[funny how it had been just a goof, something that was very obviously a joke, and yet—there was sephiroth, scaring the living daylights out of him, a few years ago. pressing knuckles to his temple and leaning into the couch, cloud keeps a careful look on the other man.]
So you only not-hate me because otherwise you wouldn't exist. Is that it? I hope it's more than that. I'm going to feel like a real tool considering all we've done together.
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No. I'm not talking about that. Before in your other life --
[Though Cloud did summon him that was true. Sephiroth had fallen into almost a limbo state before unwittingly being called to and that was something he had not expected.]
You killed me. But since that moment we have always had a connection ... and even later on, I was always able to return as long you still remembered who I was. My ... hate had shifted to revolve solely around you. The only person who could ever defeat me.
[He shifted on the couch to move forward, grabbing a hold of Cloud and pulling him closer so that they were more face to face.]
I hated the world so much. Wanted to destroy everything. But there is no point anymore to all of that hate. I am glad to have found you again. And if you remember everything and choose to hate me, then I will accept that fate.
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[but it's hard to consider everything that was and is, when sephiroth speaks so strongly about hate, how that is what pushed him forward and made him gravitate towards cloud like it was the only thing keeping him anchored.]
[it's not something he can understand right now, it feels like. i hated the world so much. i wanted to destroy everything. words that speak volumes to cloud, who moves along with however the man wishes him to move, drawn closer. i am glad— and then an almost defeated i will accept that fate.]
[cloud sits up straighter and raises a hand to press his palm against sephiroth's cheek—soft and gentle, keeping the man's gaze with his own. it takes him no effort at all to lean forward, close his eyes, and press a kiss to the other's lips. when cloud does pull back, he looks resolute.]
If I remember everything and choose to hate you, [he thumbs easily over sephiroth's jawline] we'll deal with it when that happens.
[people can change. people can get better. divine, monsters, or otherwise.]
Alright?
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At first Sephiroth thought to leave well enough alone, but he knew what happened when the truth was kept from him like that. If Cloud remembered on his own the results could have been much worse. It was probably for those reasons that he broached the subject at all.
If it was to come out, it'd be on Sephiroth's terms.
But he still did not know what to expect. Cloud reaching in, the gentle touch, the kiss made the silver haired man's eyes close slightly. Pulling the younger man in even closer, he dips his head down until their foreheads were lightly touching.]
Your other life was filled with pain and loss. Should your dreams do cross into that time, it will will be dark and unpleasant. If you have questions now, I will answer. You deserve to know everything.
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[their foreheads pressed together, cloud is getting cross-eyed from having to keep eye contact. he thinks his action of choice is to puts his hands on either side of sephiroth's head and kiss him again. fingers tangle against the soft, silky hair. partly, cloud wants sephiroth to stop putting forward all this exposition that he doesn't know what to do with.]
[secondly, cloud wants to make it clear that he appreciates that sephiroth is trying.]
[when he pulls back, his hands remain in place; he curls his lips to the side and he tilts his head.]
I want to know how you feel about me now. One hundred percent, no bullshit. You used to hate me, but now you don't anymore. What does that mean? Do you want to see me suffer, or do you want to keep me from that as best as you can?
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Which is probably for the best. This is a serious conversation. One Sephiroth isn't sure he's fully prepared for.
Answering questions about the past would be so much easier than what Cloud is asking. Feelings -- He hadn't thought about how he personally felt about anything in a long time. And Cloud --
Cloud is complicated. No, not him as a person. Just everything else surrounding him. The two of them together really.]
Are you suffering now?
[He said fully side-stepping the question, but then remembering Cloud also directly asked for an answer 'no bullshit' allowed. With a sigh, he looks away for a moment.]
I do not want to see you suffer. I want ... you to have the happiness you were denied in the past. But I will never not be drawn to you, and tragedy is what surrounds me. Whatever moments first brought about our connection, I do know for certain that ... You are and will always be my other half.
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[so he listens to what else sephiroth has to say.]
[...and he looks surprised.]
—imagine if you had said that when we got the marriage license at city hall. I bet the process would have been so much easier.
[but cloud cannot deny, for all that he teases the other, the flip his stomach made at that; you are and will always be my other half. it sounds so stupid poetic, romantic in a way that cloud hadn't expected sephiroth to be able to put together. he draws his hands back onto himself, but he doesn't move from how close he sits to the other; instead, cloud nudges himself so that he's pressed closed to the man, head against his chest, an arm wrapped around his middle.]
For all the grief you give me, I am happy here, right now. So, don't sweat it.
[he's acting tough]
Maybe... uh, just say and show what you want? [in terms of care and appreciation and all that] It makes me happy when you do.
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Thinking back to that time, it sounded so absurd in the moment. Of course it was Cloud's idea. The easiest way to explain him being around. Though Sephiroth was so lost and confused he had no choice but to go along.
Now everything is much more clear. Clearer than ever before. Sometimes he even found himself letting his guard slip around Cloud, letting him in more and more. Like now ... though it is still hard, he is at least trying.]
I'm not sure what I want most of the time. But I will try.
[The fact that he actually admitted not knowing something is pretty big in itself.]
For you. If that brings you happiness then how can I say no?
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That's the spirit, big guy.
[he really does appreciate the effort that sephiroth is trying to put into this. and while their conversation might have been weird and a little twisted at parts—and there's definitely that whole 'we hated each other in your past life' to think about—he's glad they had it. he feels a little warmer, a little more comforted, a little closer to sephiroth. the arm around him and the hand settled on his back helps drive that feeling home.]
[needless to say, he grabs at the remote controller and turns on the tv again. they'll watch netflix, curled up like this, and to be honest? cloud doesn't care that sephiroth has already watched whatever he chooses to press play to.]
[things remain just about the same in their routine, though there's something lighter about it. it's cloud's day off from work, but unfortunately that means he still has to run errands. groceries, today, and dropping by the pharmacy. his allergies have been kicking up lately. he pushes hands into the sleeves of his black denim jacket and rubs at his nose—as if that would make the sniffles go away—before waiting for a few more seconds by the front door.]
[...he checks his phone, pockets it. twirls the keys on his finger and takes them for a few spins. he readjusts the straps of the bag on his shoulder... and leans back just a bit to look down the hallway to see where the hell sephiroth is.]
Yo, Seph?
[sighing, he walks down it and back to the bedroom, looking at the man standing by the mirror.]
...you're not going to go shirtless to the store. [why does he always do this? why does cloud ask him to get dressed to go out and he puts on his leather pants, boots, and nothing more?] We'll end up with a bunch of grannies hitting on you.
[into the closet he goes, pulling out a comfortable dress shirt. plain, black. he offers it to sephiroth.]
Just put this one on.
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You almost sound jealous.
[Pulling the shirt down, he gives the blonde another glance as though to say 'satisfied now?'
He mostly does this because going to the store is probably his least favorite thing to do. But Cloud keeps dragging him along for whatever reason. He'll go because it makes the younger man happy.
Turning he gestures towards the door before heading there. They might as well go and get this over with.]
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[he sighs, knowing that sephiroth just likes to make a point of things that don't need to be made a point of. but at least he's putting on the shirt and dressing up like a normal member of society. before they leave—and yes, despite sephiroth's impatient gesturing towards the door—cloud grabs a few hair ties from the dresser and catches up with the other. out of the apartment they go, and it's when they're waiting for the elevator that cloud takes a moment to fix the collar on sephiroth's shirt.]
Seriously.
[the door is closed and locked as they step into the elevator, and proceed to descend to the lobby. sephiroth likes to stand in the middle (it's the imposing aura), and so cloud steps behind him and starts gathering his long hair to tie it up into a loose ponytail.]
I don't know why you hate going shopping, when we have to buy so much shampoo on the weekly because of your hair. And you don't even tie it up.
[it's the usual brusque response, but cloud isn't all that mad. he puts his hands on the man's waist and leans over to his side to look up at him, once he's done with tying up his hair.]
At least we're spending time together, right?
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And being around Cloud now, he found himself remembering more and more of the simple times before everything changed. He wasn't sure if it were Cloud himself or just living here without all the hate.
Glancing down at Cloud while they were in the elevator, he really resists the urge to sigh. Always a comment about his hair! His hair is fine the way it is.]
I never tied it up before. I don't know why it's so important that you insist on it.
[Except for those few times when it's not, and before Cloud can say anything, he reaches over to put his hand over the blond's mouth.]
And no comments about the freezer incident.
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[he pulls away from the hand as he steps away from the other.] Fine.
[there will be no comments about the freezer incident, but they both know that cloud is right in his assertions.]
[(laughing is good, though. sephiroth had been doing a lot more of that lately, and it filled cloud with an indistinct sense of progress, of melting away at that layer that kept the man frozen in place in one particular aspect of his life.)]
[the doors of the elevator open and cloud steps out first, sniffling as he does and going for the lobby door. he keeps it open for a moment until he's sure sephiroth can make it through, and then he's making sure to take hold of his hand as they step out into the street.]
...can I mention the other incidents, though?
[yeah, cloud's smug.]
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