sefirot | Open Post

No, indeed it does not make him happy. Cloud's scowl goes a little harsher when Sephiroth catches his wrist. He grits his teeth and tosses the rag down on Sephiroth's chest so he can grab hold of the wrist holding his and wrench his grasp off of him. "I should just let you suffer," is what he answers with, and that is in fact not an answer to the question at all. He knows it. He knows Sephiroth will know it, too. But he doesn't know what to say, in truth. It was one thing to bring him inside and pull him back from the brink of death, but he could have just as easily told Sephiroth to clean his own goddamn wounds and take care of his own goddamn self. He's sure he's capable of it. And if not, so what? Why is it his problem? Why does he—care?

Ugh.

He pins Sephiroth's arm back down and holds it there, which unfortunately means leaning closer, his face above the other man's, their gazes left with nowhere to go but straight into each other's eyes. It's not really anything earthshattering. Cloud's had to stare into those freaky cat eyes more times than he cares to count. "Is that what you want? You want me to punish you?"

"No," he responds not once taking his eyes off Cloud's. He came here for death, originally at least. Mostly to deny it to Tseng. And because it should be Cloud. It should always be him if it is to happen.

But he did not wish for suffering, though he supposes in a way that's been his constant state of being. Why he despised the entire world. Cloud denied him his goal multiple times and thats why he hated him.

Hated? No. Hates. Right? Though right now he's not sure what he feels because as much as he wants to grasp onto that emotion and hold it so very tight ... It's just not there. In a way, he blames Zack. In another way he blames Tseng who managed to take away his control and leave him powerless.

And that feeling is what he hates most of all.

Which is ironic considering Cloud is pinning his arm down, but somehow this is different. Perhaps because they have always been so closely connected to one another.

"I want to know what you want."

"I want—" What? What the hell does he want? Cloud is clearly struggling with an answer. He blurts out the first, easiest thing that comes to mind. "I want to be left the hell alone. I want peace. I want you to get a life, if you're not just going to fuck off and die."

None of that is untrue, but it's also bullshit. It's dodging the question again in an entirely different way. Sure, those are things he wants, but they're not what he wants specific to right here and right now. Specific to Sephiroth showing up on his doorstep beat to hell and looking to be put down, or... not. Specific to bringing him into the house, healing him, tending his wounds. What does he want out of this exchange, what does he expect? Cloud can't even begin to know, and he's frustrated with himself. For not knowing, for not being able to commit to one impulse or another. He's stuck between his anger and his mercy and it's so difficult to come out cleanly on the other side with Sephiroth staring him down like that, talking to him, laying on his bed bleeding all over everything. Cloud holds his gaze as long as he can, but naturally he's the first one to break and look away, letting up off of him and aggressively returning to his stupid cloth just to give himself something else to do with his hands.

To break the tension, obviously. After a moment, he murmurs out another answer just as it comes to him.

"I want to do the right thing."

Were their situations reversed, Sephiroth can't say he wouldn't feel the same. In general before everything went down, he both wanted to be left alone and didn't. An outcast with friends and a following. Someone who never really knew his true place in the world.

Though even after discovering the truth, he's not sure he ever found the answer he's always been looking for. That's probably why his goals keep changing. Everytime he thinks he's got a grasp on who he is, somehow it all comes crumbling down.

Now who is he? Cloud's eternal rival? At this point what else is even left?

He says nothing as Cloud breaks away, going back to work on his wounds. His eyes do follow the rhythmic fashion of the movements.

However when the next answer comes, his eyes blink away towards Cloud himself, but only for a very brief moment.

"Is that not what you've always done?"

Cloud doesn't quite catch how Sephiroth looks away, but he can sort of... sense it. That moment of hesitation. It makes him feel self-conscious, and the question moreso. Not that he intends to, exactly, but his hands gentle where they work, dabbing at a particularly nasty wound gouged into Sephiroth's skin. Guess it's fitting that he'd be accused of doing the right thing and go soft at the same time, but he's just... it's a harsh injury, okay? And maybe he—feels bad.

Maybe he just feels bad for himself. Or for the Turks. Or, yeah, maybe for Sephiroth. For showing up here and things winding up this way, instead. "Is it?" he asks, and sounds like he genuinely doesn't know. Uncomfortable and unsure. Whatever the hell he's done, whether it was right or not, never really seemed to make much of a difference. Yeah, he stopped Sephiroth. Multiple times. That was the right thing, objectively. But it has yet to really make him feel better about much.

"I can't decide if this is the right thing."

"In war, it is difficult to tell which is right and which is wrong. One action, saving a life, while objectively right many others to die in return. So which is the right thing? Saving more people is the logical choice, but condemning another to death is in itself wrong.. And that's life where there are no easy choices. Logically ..." He finally turns to look back over at Cloud and gestures towards his head.

"Your mind will tell you one thing, while ..." His hand moves down making a motion towards Cloud's chest. "Another."

Looking away again, to stare off at nothing in particular he finally adds, "ultimately you have to decide which is more important. No one else can decide that for you."

He's not sure where those words came from or why it made him think of his past. When he was a general and hero. Maybe they were always there and he just never held this kind of conversation with anyone before. With Cloud before.

His hands still again partway through Sephiroth's words, coming to a slow stop until they're simply resting in place on his chest. "That's..." Actually kind of solid advice. God, he must be going crazy if he's letting himself listen to anything Sephiroth has to say to him, no matter how sound the logic is. It's downright sensible. It's good advice, even. There was a time in both their lives when he would've expected that kind of talk from him. He used to be so impressed with how level-headed he was, how sure of himself he seemed, how he didn't let anything get in his way. That all changed forever after Nibelheim. There's no going back to that naive time. Nothing is changing that.

But... still. Cloud frowns in a different sort of way, soft, too muddled to really count as the same sort of consternation he's been experiencing since Sephiroth got here. "That sounded downright human. Most sensible thing I've ever heard you say."

"Strange, isn't it?" He says, glancing off at look at nothing in particular. He's not human though. A god? An alien hybrid? The lines felt so blurred right now. He barely knew himself before and now he feels even that slipping away.

And it'd odd to think that the two of them would ever end up in a situation without all the vitriol. All the hate thats plagued them both for so long. But here they are right now now in this very moment. As strange and absurd as this moment can be.

"But both you and I know what I really am, hm?" He adds after almost allowing the air still into silence. Which felt like it'd be more awkward than it already is. Though he isn't sure if he should say anything else or just let Cloud go back to work in peace. He decides on the latter, at least for now.

"Yeah."

Yeah, it is strange, and yeah, he does know what Sephiroth is. A murderer, a monster, and a menace. And also... a victim of Shinra's twisted evil, just like him. Loath as he is to relate, it doesn't make it any less true. That doesn't make it okay. It never did. He's a monster and he never tortured anyone, destroyed their home, killed their family. Zack never did. Others just like them never did. Nobody's hands are clean, but Sephiroth... he doesn't get a pass. Even if he is hurt. He deserves to be hurt, honestly.

Cloud decides to just, for the sake of his sanity, tell himself that it isn't his call. He's only working with what he has in front of him. It's not the path of least resistance by a long shot, but that must mean it's the right thing, right? Sure. Yeah.

He finishes cleaning up as well as he can and sets the rag and alcohol aside. The bandaging... it's going to have to go all the way around. Those wounds need wrapped tight to stymie the bleeding. Sighing, he says, "Now you can sit up," and rather than wait for him to struggle and do it himself, he simply grabs Sephiroth by his arm and hauls him up easy as you please. One hand on his back while he unrolls the bandages with his teeth and his free hand so he can start to wrap them around.

Sephiroth wonders how he got to this point in life where he's being ordered and pushed around by Cloud. How exactly did his life become this? Right now there's no point in putting up much resistance, but still.

"Did you know before that fateful time," Cloud knows which moment he's talking about so he shouldn't have to be more specific, "that I planned on abandoning Shinra after the mission. That was before I learned about what they did."

Cloud probably doesn't care, but he almost forgot about that moment so it is important that he reminds himself. Even if he's no longer that person, even if he still hates the world, those moments are still important and created him as a person.

But before the blond can step in and say just how much he does not care, he adds, "there were others like me. And like you. Though not so fortunate. Their bodies broke down. One was Zack's mentor and where he received the sword you ultimately used against me."

You're right, Sephiroth, he doesn't care. Or—well, alright. He's interested, but he doesn't know what the point of hearing about this is. It won't change anything to know what Sephiroth was going to do; the fact is that he didn't. Instead of abandoning Shinra and doing, presumably, the right thing, he did—all this other terrible shit instead. And he justifies it by blaming everyone but himself. Quite frankly, Cloud would call him weak to his face if he wasn't at least somewhat trying to keep the peace. He just focuses on his work, wending the roll of bandages around and around Sephiroth's body, tearing a piece off and clipping it, then starting on the next one. It helps to have something to do with his hands to focus on. He does look up, clearly listening, though.

That subdued interest is a little less subdued at the mention of Zack, naturally. It's really not hard to guess how to get his attention on any other average day, but he's especially vulnerable to it now. What question does he want to ask here to keep Sephiroth talking? he thinks to himself, and then immediately afterward has to marvel at the very idea that he wants Sephiroth to keep talking. He has literally never wanted that before. What the hell is going on in this world anymore?

"... What was he like?" he asks, eventually. With interest.

"... Zack?" He glances at Cloud, and has to pause to conjure up pieces of memories mostly scattered and lost. But the conversations were there. Events. Even if he can no longer fully invision those times as they were like a picture faded over time and not a movie he can full recall ... he still remembers enough to answer the question.

"Reckless. Impulsive. Would jump into any situation without fully considering the consequences," which almost sounds like hes just criticizing, "... But he never let his beliefs waver. Even in the face of orders.. That is why when I was assigned to go after them, I refused so Zack was given the mission instead."

He gives a light shrug, but that movement isn't the best idea considering Cloud is bandaging him ... and well his wounds in general. As if he shifts around too much he might make things worse.

He is a little surprised Cloud woukd actually ask. Sure it's natural he'd like to know more, and other than directly talking to the person ... Sephiroth is probably one of the best sources.

It does sound like he's criticizing, but it also... sounds fond. Maybe not quite in his tone, but Cloud gets the odd sense that these things wouldn't be worth mentioning to Sephiroth if they didn't matter. That—yeah, he doesn't really like where that train of thought is going, exactly, and the frown on his face clearly says as much. All that frowning and pouting ain't shit compared to how curiously he looks at Sephiroth, though. It's a lot to unpack. And it makes him wonder... how much else is there in that head of his that isn't all madness? Up until now, he'd simply assumed the answer was nothing. Nothing but destruction, chaos, and domination. And bothering the hell out of him. Bringing this world to its knees at any cost seemed like the only thing Sephiroth was capable of thinking of, but lately...

Ugh, it bothers him so much to even give this a second thought. Who cares. He's a murderer. But at least it keeps them both distracted while he has to deal with the awkward task of basically fucking hugging the guy as he wraps his arms back and around his body over and over to bandage him up. He bites off another piece of the tape, clips it together so it'll hold, and starts on the next spot, lower this time.

"...Tell me about them," he says, imitating but not necessarily outright mocking the emphasis Sephiroth had put on it. "Zack's mentor? And who else?"

So Cloud is going to venture down this path. One Sephiroth does not care to venture. Zack also brought it up before. And kept pressing about it.

Sephiroth can only sigh. At least it is a distraction, he'll admit to that much.

"Angeal was Zack's mentor and perhaps the only reason Genesis and I did not kill each other on a daily basis. The two of them were friends before entering SOLDIER. Angeal was rather calm and Genesis theatrical and I don't if either overly desperate for my attention or simply wanted to be me."

He pauses, casting his head down to glance at Cloud.

"Genesis and Angeal ultimately both turned on Shinra after discovering what happened to them. Unlike us their bodies were degrading ... decaying as a result."

Cloud looks up as Sephiroth looks down and promptly looks away again, in a way that's almost like trying to soften your footsteps so as not to frighten away the birds pecking around on your lawn. If he focuses too hard on him, maybe he'll remember he's fucking crazy and start trying to kill him again. As much as he doesn't want to be suckered in by any bullshit about whatever joke of a life Sephiroth was living before he killed everyone he ever loved, this is... preferable to the alternative. Maybe? Whatever, he's getting exhausted of going in circles with it in his head.

"Is that why you wanted to leave? Because of what happened to them? ...It makes sense," he adds, tacked on at the end there. Who wouldn't want to leave, after seeing something like that happening to their friends? As absurd as it is in his mind to think of Sephiroth ever having friends. He was a person once, too, he guesses.

"Because of everything. Genesis is the one who originally alerted me to experiments conducted on us all." He keeps his focus on Cloud as though he's some sort of anchor keeping him from becoming lost among his memories.

"It is ..." Funny? Ironic? What is even the right word to use? "-- We had an encounter before the end, he asked if our story were a play which of us would be the hero. He was welcome to it, but I could not talk him down."

It really was odd to think about what happened then. Even more odd to think Cloud even cares to listen to all this. He most likely doesn't and Sephiroth isn't sure why he's even indulging this conversation.

In all honesty he really wishes they could go back to simply just murdering one another.

Genesis... Cloud frowns, thinking back. Way back. Somewhere in the muddy, hazy, fucked up mess that are still his memories even after he got his head back on straight, he can kind of remember—Zack talking to someone, a cave...? Feathers. Ugh—blast from the past. It makes his head hurt just a little bit. He doesn't often get those headaches anymore, but here we are. His eyes squint against the twinge of an ache at his temple and casts the thought aside. Probably better if he tries not to think too hard on it.

"In the end, neither of you were. Nobody was."

Nobody came out of that a winner. Not Sephiroth or any of his friends, not Zack, not even him. But you could say that about their whole story, couldn't you? Nobody really won. The Planet had to restore its own damn self. It's still... what did Barret call it once? A sick, scared kid. And everybody left standing is still living on it, just trying to get by.

"My friend, the fates are cruel. There are no dreams, no honor remains. The arrow has left the bow of the goddess." While not as dramatic as if Genesis delivered the lines, it is still amazing that Sephiroth can recite them at all.

Out of all the memories he's lost in the lifestream, for some reason its like that blasted book is etched on to his soul. Even in death Genesis manages to haunt him with Loveless. He partially blames Cloud for making him think of it at all.

Cloud is right, however, there's no real heroes here ... though the person currently sitting near Sephiroth is probably the closest thing to one even if he does not see himself that way.

If Sephiroth is a villain ... which it is not something he denies really, then if Cloud is his nemesis ... he is the hero.

Is that... yeah, that kind of sounds vaguely familiar, actually. Not that particular passage, but the... verbiage. Listen, he's not into poetry, and the synopsis he got of Loveless back when he was a grunt and had time to dick around in Sector 8 sounded fuckin' lame (or so all the other guys said, so he just went with it). But hearing Sephiroth recite it—

Uh, wow.

Thing is, he might smirk (that's as close as he'll get to a laugh) at how absurd it is, but he's struck by another thought. And that thought is that Sephiroth is... really going in on this. Talking about his friends. Quoting their dumb poems. Remembering them as people and not just, y'know, insects on this planet he thinks he's the boss of, that kind of thing. Cloud's gaze drifts back up to Sephiroth's face, a little... confused. "It must've really stuck with you," he says after a pause, "if you still remember it after all this time."

"Genesis read from it constantly. Every. Day." There's something about the way he emphasizes it that says just how much he was annoyed with the story. It was practically drilled into his head.

"But ..." His eyes snap away from Cloud. "I have not thought about it for a long time. My memories of that time are foggy ... faded. Details lost. But I remember the words."

He's surprised he recalls as much as does. Which leads to another point especially if Cloud is going to keep asking questions.

"What I remember in general is not whole. I gave up much of it in the lifestream. Visual details mostly." When he was keeping himself from fading away and created the geostigma. "This will sound odd, but even now I could not tell you exactly what I look like."

Yeah, this is... kind of freaking him out. It just clashes so much with the way he prefers to keep Sephiroth in his head—a monster, no longer human, without human impulses or feelings. He might've had people he cared about once, long ago, but that's all been cast off, hasn't it? He's got to wonder, listening to him talk now. In fact, the trouble isn't even that he has to wonder. The answer speaks for itself—that might not be as true as he thought after all. Maybe it's just that he... lost those pieces of himself. The way he had—

Ugh! No! The last thing he wants is to relate to him... ugh. Cloud frowns all over again, tying off that bandage and taping it in place with the rest. He smooths it down with his fingers, brow furrowed. Comes back with a little more sarcasm than strictly necessary, defensive of his own thoughts. "You've never heard of a mirror?"

It's okay. Sephiroth does not really like the idea himself. He prefers thinking that he is incapable of feeling anything except for hate and anger and all of those good things. Instead here he is talking about stuff from this past with the person who should be his worst enemy.

Who is currently helping him.

Nothing makes any sense anymore.

"Ah, yes. I forget how common those are in the lifestream," he'll return the sarcasm.

Sure he could go look at something now. He just hadn't really thought about it. Or cared to.

"Tch," Cloud helpfully responds. Then, abruptly, he gets up and leaves the room again. This is honestly stupid, but you know? It gives him an excuse to not have to touch Sephiroth anymore, or... stare awkwardly at him while he becomes painfully aware of his emotions and whatever other human qualities he evidently possesses. Also, maybe he's making fun of him a little, still.

When he returns, it's with a hand mirror. Mind you, he's not sure Sephiroth is going to be fond of his face in the state it's in now, with those... ah. Oh. Now he understands what the marks on his face are supposed to be. Whatever, he's not thinking about it right now. He just frowns and thrusts the mirror out to him, reflective side out. "Knock yourself out."

"..."

Well, he is not sure what to expect from Cloud just up and leaving like that. Temper tantrum? Finally get as annoyed by this entire conversation as Sephiroth is? Going to go get his sword and stab him?

Coming back with a mirror is actually not on the list of possibilities he first thinks up. Honestly, he probably should have noted that he actually ran into another earlier version of himself so he's actually seen himself ... This whole memory thing is difficult to explain. Forming new memories is weird.

He takes it though, but only gives a brief glance before gently tosses onto the bed with a sigh. He really, really wishes he could just resurrect Tseng to murder him again. Repeatedly.

"Right now I hate him more than I have ever hated you," he idly adds.

That's about what he expected. Maybe not the best idea? But oh well, too late now. Cloud just sighs as Sephiroth tosses the mirror down and sits back where he was. Maybe not quite as physically close, rummaging around in the first aid kit until he finds some adhesive bandages. He'll have to cut them to fit, and it's not going to make the scars go away, but at least it'll cover them? Whatever, it's all he's got. Take it or leave it. He starts unwrapping them and trimming them to size with the miniature pair of scissors included.

"It's your own damn fault," he mutters. What great bedside manner. "The Turks are tight-knit. You should've known better than to piss them off. You'll have the whole rest of the rat-pack on your ass now."

He doesn't say it like it's any sort of actual threat; in fact, he sounds kind of regretful about it. They're all going to get themselves killed, and he doesn't think he can do anything to put a stop to it. It's... already too late.

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